(Justice League Unlimited Theme Song plays as scenes from the last seven Harry Potter movies are featured)
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Scene 1: Rescuing Jacquel Romanov
Harry: OK guys, I know that we're not technically supposed to be talking to Jacquel, but she's in grave danger and we have to rescue her.
Ron: Yeah, I know.
Hermione: Agreed. She's still our friend.
Harry: I mean it, you guys. I don't want to have to go in there and fight off seven Death Eaters all by myself while you two make out in the back room. We ALL fight together. Got it?
Ron & Hermione: Got it!
Harry: Good. Let's roll!
***
(in the room, where Lucius Malfoy has Jacquel all tied up)
Lucius: Tell me where Potter is!
Jacquel: Are you fricking kidding me? Like I'mma tell you where he is when I'm riding a flying purple unicorn through the psychedelic clouds!
Lucius: I believe that can be arranged...(just then Caius bursts in)
Caius: Let her go!
Lucius: I don't think I can do that. She has something I want.
Caius: She does too! Now hand her over!
Jacquel: Caius? What are you doing here?
Caius: Because I heard you tried to back out of your promise to marry me before your 16th birthday.
Jacquel: I didn't back out of anything; I was at Hogwarts!
Caius: Really? (to Lucius) I don't know what you're talking about, but (points to Jacquel) this girl is my bitch! I own this shit!
Greyback: Really?
Caius: Yes. So if you value your pathetic excuses of a life, you better get to stepping right now! (Death Eaters flee from the room) Now you're mine, Jacquelyn Claire!
Jacquel: Why?
Caius: Because no wizard or vampire or human dare touches what is mine!
***
Harry: All right, Death Eaters! Where is she? You better let her go or else...(Ron and Hermione are making out) Hey you two! What did I say about you guys making out?
Hermione: Well, nobody's stopping her...(points to Jacquel and Caius, who are clearly going at it on the table)
Harry: (stares at Jacquel) Oh God!!! Why???
Jacquel: What? (glares at Harry) Oh come on, Harry, you knew this was coming! As soon as you began dating Ginny, I went to find someone else.
Harry: Well, I don't mind you and Magnus, but you and HIM???
Ron: That's disturbing.
Jacquel: At least you and Hermione weren't engaged when you were 9 years old!
Caius: Or marrying a vampire.
Jacquel: (headslap) Ai yi yi yi yi!!!
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Scene 2: Bring Me (Back) to Life
(Moody and Hedwig are found dead)
Tonks: What a shame Moody and Hedwig are dead.
Richard: I know. But that's what my dad wants. He wanted to go down swinging.
Kingsley: But still, there's got to be a way to bring Hedwig back.
Catherine Mueller: I have this magical wand that can bring dead people back to life in my pocket the whole time! (cue ultra dramatic scene as she rushes towards Hedwig and zaps the owl with the wand)
Harry: Hedwig! You're alive! (the owl pulls at his hair rather harshly) Ow! That freaking hurts!
Jacquel: I know, right? She says she's highly pissed that she had to put up with your emo shit only to die in an unnecessary battle.
Ron: It's the hard truth, dude. Live with it.
-------
Scene 3: Greyback Attacks Diagon Alley
(Greyback is running in the streets nude in his werewolf form. Embry and Quil look on in shock)
Embry: Awww, now that's just wrong!
Quil: I know, dude! I'm glad we're just shapeshifters; we'd never do anything offensive like *THAT*!!!
-------
Scene 4: Wormtail, Don't Be a Hero
Dolohov: Prepare to die, Potter!
Wormtail: Oh no you don't, Tony! You'll have to get past ME first! (takes down Dolohov with a spinning back-kick)
Harry: I knew there was some good in you after all! You are indeed James's friend...(just then Edward Cullen shows up and kills Wormtail)
Wormtail: Why'd you kill me, Cedric?
Edward: You killed me first, I kill you back! (to the gasping crowd) You think he's a hero? NOT ON *MY* WATCH!!!
-------
Scene 5: Sean Christian Bale
(Sean is facing Voldemort)
Sean: Do you know who I am?
Voldemort: Prepare to die, Sean, for the last time!!!
Sean: I am THE DARK KNIGHT!!!
Voldemort: Then let me ask you something, oh great and mighty "Dark Knight": (in Heath Ledger's Joker voice) Why so serious?
Random person: Whoopee! (everything comes to a screeching halt)
Sean: What the F-ARF are you doing? I want you off the fricking set, you prick! (random person leaves) What don't you fricking understand? (random person mumbles) Hey, it's fricking distracting! Frick's sake man, you loser! (to audience) You got fricking something to say to this dick? Give me a fricking answer!
Aro: We are the Volturi!
Caius: We are the greatest!
Sean: Oh, good for you! (to J.K. Rowling) Seriously, you and me, we're fricking done professionally. (walks off the set) Fricking bitch...
-------
Scene 6: Twilight=Vampire Pornography
Aslan: I really don't get the point of girls liking this Twilight story.
Luna: Yeah! What does that story got what we don't have?
Ginny: I know...(music plays and scenes from the Twilight movies flash across the screen) It's a vampire pornography, biting girls and kicking wolves; the kind of shit that people like to watch on TV!!! (everyone stares at her strangely) What?
-------
Scene 7: Beware of Jane
(in the Shrieking Shack)
Snape: Well, can't you at least tell Stacey and Gabriel that their father's being reassigned?
Voldemort: I would, but then that would be unfair to the other Death Eaters. Goodbye, Severus. (to Nagini) Bite him...(just then Jane shows up and he is in a world of pain) Aaaaaaahhhh! Who the heck are you??? Why you hurt me like that???
Alec: What are you doing to him, Sis?
Jane: I'm not doing anything to him; he's doing that to himself.
Voldemort: (still screaming) Oh, my life sucks! The world hates me! (continues crying like a baby)
Snape: I'm quitting this Death Eater shit once and for all!
-------
Scene 8: Proper way to use the word "bitch"
Nesma: So, Carlisle, you better just hand yourself over to me or I get to rip your pretty little girl to pieces...
Jacquel: You do that and I'll sucker punch you to Hell!
Carlisle: No, don't hurt Jacquelyn! Take me instead!
Nesma: That's just what I want to hear...(Esme shows up)
Esme: Oh no you don't! NOT MY HUSBAND, YOU BITCH!!! (lunges at Nesma and tears her to pieces)
Jacquel: Oh ewww, that's just freaky!
Bella: Never thought Esme would get so...violent.
Carlisle: I'll say. (Esme hugs him)
Esme: No other woman touches you and lives! (notices Jacquel and Bella staring at them) Oh, sorry about that. But anyway, Nesma was wrong to threaten our family.
Bella: Shall we throw her away?
David, Dorian, & Delia (Trublood): Don't worry, we got this. (sets Nesma's remains on fire) That's for her destroying our family.
-------
Scene 9: Always Quit While You're Still Ahead
Random sounds: All right, guys, let's do this...LEEEEROY JEEENKINS!!! (Death Eaters rush out to attack a random village when the Wolves show up)
Lucius: What are those?
Mulciber: Those are wolves.
Rastaban: You calling them wolves???
Alecto: Look at the size of those things!!!
Bellatrix: They're even bigger than the biggest horses!!
Lucius: Let's get outta here, they are way too many for us! (Death Eaters flee)
Leah: (to wizards) And that's how WE do it back at home!
-------
Scene 10: Your Stupidity Needs To Stop Writing Checks That Your Life Can't Cash
(At Hogwarts)
Neville: Come on, everyone! We take back our school!
Jacquel: Darn! I just lost my wand when Hogsmeade was attacked yesterday!
Neville: Use this replica of Gandalf the White's staff! (hands her the staff) Now let's kick some ass!!!
(at secret campsite)
Harry: Well, you should listen to me because I'm Harry Potter! (everyone stares at him) You know what? Screw the damn horucrux hunt; we're heading back to Hogwarts!
-------
Scene 11: The Calm Before the Storm
Sameth: Well this sucks! I just found out that I have two sisters and we didn't even have enough time to get to know each other!
Ernest: Don't feel too bad, Sameth; at least your father isn't Lord Voldemort.
Saphira: Yeah...that would totally suck.
***
Jacquel: About damn time you got back, Harry! Things have gotten really bad around here.
Ron: Like how?
Neville: The Dark Lord now wants to blow up Hogwarts.
Harry: Can't we get the Navy Seals to dispatch him?
Jacquel: You know, that's not such a bad idea. I'll call those guys who gave Mr. Bin Laden a 1-way ticket to Hell.
Neville: You go ahead and do that. Things are finally looking up for us now.
-------
Scene 12: For the Umpteenth Time
Voldemort: Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, now he has come to die...
Harry: Not unless I kill you first!
Voldemort: We'll see about that! (they raise their wands and aim them at each other, but then someone shows up)
Sean: So, you're picking on him? Well, I have a bone to pick with you! You effed up my life, and now I'm taking it back!
Harry: But I thought it was MY destiny to fight him! Why are you here?
Sean: Same reason they are here...(Harry looks behind him and sees his parents, Sirius, Moody, Dobby, Irene, Shannon, Joanna, Cassandra, Jennifer, Saul, Stanislaus, Cedric, Maria, Duncan, Anastasia, and Ariana)
Harry: Uhhh...OK.
James: Don't worry, Harry. We got this.
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Scene 13: The Final Move
Jacquel: This ain't a fight...this is a showdown.
Neville: Not just any old showdown, it's the Ultimate Showdown!!!
Ron: Shall we play that song during the fight scene?
Jacquel: Yup. (song plays as everyone fights)
Song: Harry Potter was walkin' around
London like it was his playground
When suddenly Aretmis Fowl burst from his car
And shot Harry with his fairy gun
Harry got pissed and began to attack
But he got blocked by Klaus Baudelaire
Who proceeded to open up a can of whoop ass on Artemis
When Lyra Belacqua came out of the blue
And she started beating up Klaus and Violet
Then they all got zapped by Ginny
But before she could turn around and run
Anastasia walked out of her grave
And took a bazooka out from under her dress
And she blew Ginny up just like that
But Ron and Hermione decided to jump in
And Sunny bit them and their wands broke
This is the literary showdown...of literary destiny
heroes and villains and battles...as far as I can read
There can be only one winner, we don't know who it will be
This is the literary showdown...of literary destiny
Mrs. Weasley took a belt and started spanking Sunny
Robbie Evans kicked her because that just wasn't funny
And then Caspian X came in swinging his sword
He got into a battle with Neville Longbottom
And Ron was got mad and prepared to attack
When Anastasia smacked him with a machete
Hermione tripped and fell while trying to get away
Bella Swan took her down with a kick to the head
Then she saw Malfoy about to attack her from behind
But not to worry, Jace Wayland smacked him with a tailpipe
And Mr. Weasley tried to shoot them with a gun
And Holly Short cut him down to size.
Then Butler got into a fight with Hagrid
While Foaly and Firenze fought using lightsabers
And Snape and Wormtail tried to run from it all
Then they both got killed by Captain Jack Sparrow, ohhh...
This is the literary showdown...of literary destiny
heroes and villains and battles...as far as I can read
There can be only one winner, we don't know who it will be
This is the literary showdown...
The Secret Library Guardians lined up...and held their lanterns to the sky
And guess who showed up...Eragon, of course!
He delivered a kick that could break 1,000 windshields
into the butt of Lucius Malfoy
And as he laid there on the ground howling in pain
Albus Dumbledore put on his colorful robes
But Eragon saw right through that disguise
And he yelled out "BRISINGR!" as he beheaded that old man
Then Clary Fray and Meggie Folchart and
"that one kid from that weird TV show" and
Bartok Rasputin and Jacquel Spartan and
Prince Zuko and Elena Gilbert and
Percy Jackson, all the Teen Rebels, Bart Simpson, and Robert Langdon and
Jaeyamie Nealson, and every character from Lord of the Rings and
Speed Racer and Peter Pan,
Lestat, Stewie Griffin, Kaylen Klieg, and Mr. T
They all showed up out of everywhere
And they totally took down Lord Voldemort
It was the most violent fight in literary history
And everyone around the world just watched in shock and awe
The fight went on for 10 long years
Causing unnecessary deaths, pain, and tears
Harry Potter was FINALLY beaten, never to rise again
And Hogwarts was burned to the ground
And who was that champion that took Harry down?
Who was the winner of that fight?
He showed up and everyone cheered:
It was none other than Charlie Bone, wearing a bloodstained red cape!
This is the literary showdown...of literary destiny
heroes and villains and battles...as far as I can read
There can be only one winner, we don't know who it will be
This is the literary showdown...which'll go into the history books
This is the literary showdown...
This is the literary showdown...
This is the literary showdown...
This is the literary showdown...
of literary destiny
Neville: Whoa! Now that's epic!
Jacquel: Let's kick some butt!
-------
Scene 14: The Final Move
(Rocky Theme Plays as the fight gets really violent)
Neville: You're gonna pay for what you did to my family, you bitch!
Bellatrix: Oh, make me!!
Neville: AVADA KEVADRA!!! (Bellatrix falls down dead) Who's the weak one now? (Nagini hisses at him) Don't even think I forgot about you! (takes out a sword and chops her head off) Hah!
Ron: Whoa, Neville! You've gone all badass!
Neville: Yeah, just like that one guy said in that one story!
Hermione: And wasn't Jacquel supposed to marry what's-his-name?
Jacquel: Yeah. But before I do that, let's kick some Death Eater's butts from here to Germany, back around Vietnam, and up through Ethopia!
All: Agreed. (Requiem for a Dream song plays)
-------
Scene 15: How It All Ended
Sean: It's just you and me now, Voldie! No one else will intervene!
Voldemort: Fine! But to make sure of that, I'm going to kill you!
Harry: Not if I get you first! (slams into Voldemort and all three fall to their deaths in the lake)
-------
Scene 16: Whatever Happens in "New Moon" STAYS in "New Moon"
Hermione: Well, looks like that's it. The battle is over.
Ron: But where's Harry?
Fred: Found him! (they all rush to Harry's side---but Harry is dead)
George: Oh my God...Harry's dead!!!
Jacquel: I can't believe it! He can't be dead!
Neville: I thought he was going to survive this battle. That's what they all do in those cliched fantasy stories.
Carlisle: Sadly, I must tell you that there is no greater love than he who gives up his life to save his friends.
Jacquel: This is so unfair! I never got to tell him goodbye. Why does this always happen to me???
Edward: It's better this way. He did what he came here to do. There's nothing else for him to live for. (Ginny sees everything)
Ginny: No! Harry can't be dead! I have no one else to love! I will go kill myself! (rushes to cliff)
Bella: Ginny, NO! Don't make the same mistake I made! Don't jump off that cliff!
Ginny: But Bella, you had it so much easier than I do! Edward Cullen is a vampire; he can live forever. But Harry Potter was just a mere mortal and as such, the only man I ever loved.
Bella: But Ginny, there's other guys out there...
Ginny: Oh, sure! Just keep telling yourself that! I mean, you could have had Jacob Black just as easily if you wanted to! But I have no other guy to fall in love with; my whole life, it seemed that I was programmed to do only one thing, and that was to marry Harry Potter.
Jacob: That is the dumbest pile of shit I have ever heard of!
Ginny: It's true! I was to marry Harry Potter and no other person! Now if you'll excuse me, I must die now...(jumps off cliff)
Bella: GINNY!!! (she tries to go after Ginny, but Jacob holds her back)
Leah: Let her go, Bella. Besides, any female who's programmed to simply marry the hero is not a good female character. As for you, you were programmed to fight for your right to be with Edward forever.
Bella: Now what are we going to tell them? Ginny just killed herself because Harry's dead?
George: We saw the whole thing.
Fred: This is so sad. Poor Ginny.
Ron: Mom's gonna be crushed when she finds out about Ginny.
Jacquel: Well, this sucks! Voldemort is dead and yet there's very few of us still alive to enjoy the victory. Dumbledore is a douche to have effed it all up for us!
Hermione: Now what do we do?
-------
Scene 17: Where Do We Go From Here?
Ron: Looks like there's no longer a Hogwarts for us to attend.
Hermione: That's sad.
Jacquel: Now what do we do?
Neville: You go and get married and we go our separate ways. How's about we all meet back up here next year when a new school is built.
Ron, Hermione, & Jacquel: Agreed.
-------
Epilogue: 5,000 Days Later...
Well, here's what happened to them after May 2, 1998
~~~July 31, 2011~~~
Ron: Can't believe it's been 13 years since we last saw Jacquel and Neville.
Hermione: I know! Let's go see how they're doing. (Neville sees them)
Neville: Hey, guys, how's everything?
Hermione: Neville! How are you?
Neville: Everything has been going great. So how have you guys been?
Hermione: Great.
Ron: Yeah, it's been kind of hard since Ginny's death and I having to stay with Fred and George until Hermione was able to find her parents and bring them back and we got married. How about you?
Neville: I took over Professor Sprout's job when she retired. Have any of you heard from Jacquel?
Hermione: Well, she has written to us several times since her wedding, but for some reason I haven't gotten a letter from her in seven years.
Ron: I know. Bet her husband is trying to restrict how much she writes to us.
Jacquel: (shows up) I wouldn't be saying that. (they all notice that she is still the same since she turned 17 many years before)
Ron: Jacquel? You've...changed.
Jacquel: Yeah. It's been hard having to spend 13 years living in Italy and only seeing the Cullens four times a year. And then when Cai saw fit to give me children, there went my free time. Nice, right?
Neville: Indeed. Now what do we do?
They all walk to Godric's Hallow and stand at Harry's grave, not saying much to each other, but staring at the grave of their best friend. The inscription reads:
"Harry James Potter
July 31, 1980-May 2, 1998
Here lies a brave and loyal wizard who gave his life for the Greater Good
May he forever rest in peace.
Entombed was he on May 12, 1998 by Miss Jacquelyn Claire Alexandra Ulrich, Mister Ronald Bilius Weasley, Mister Neville Francis Longbottom, and Miss Hermione Jean Granger, his loyal and grieving friends."
Snape: (standing behind them) How ironic that a family that had never been together in life is now united in death.
Jacquel: Sir? (the others stare at him)
Snape: I wonder why the Potters are wired to have short lifespans, they only live long enough to reproduce and then they die.
Jacquel: Where have you been all these years?
Neville: He's been living in Diagon Alley with Amber and the little ones. I see him when Stacey and Gabriel visit him every Saturday with their families.
Ron: Well, this is hard for us to actually deal with here. Harry is dead and we're still here.
Hermione: I bet J. K. Rowling is having a hard time dealing with her hero's death. Now she can't do that crappy epilogue that everyone hates.
Jacquel: Well, the story is over and guess what? It all sucked in the end!
THE END...or is it?
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