More Neville Longbottom Jokes

And now for more Neville Longbottom jokes:

1. -Neville needs a Remembrall not because he has a poor memory, but merely because he accomplishes too much to remember.
2. -Neville Longbottom doesn't bow to hippogriffs. Hippogriffs bow to Neville Longbottom.
3. -They thought of making a Neville puppet for "Potter Puppet Pals"...but nobody makes fun of Neville Longbottom and wakes up the following morning.
4. -Bound by the full Body-Bind curse, surrounded by Dementors and giants with his wand snapped in half, Neville Longbottom laughed to himself and said "I have them right where I want them."
5. -Not to be outdone, after Mrs. Weasley took out Bellatrix, Neville brought her back to life and killed her again.
6. -Professor Quirrel didn't have to fake his stammer in Neville's presence.
7. -Neville became Head Boy AND Girl. No one dared comment.
8. -Neville Longbottom is what's beyond the veil.
9. -Neville turned Dumbledore gay.
10. -Before Neville punched it, it was known as Horizontal Alley.
11. -Neville uses Nagini's blood as soy sauce.
12. -Muggles don't know about Lord Voldemort, but they do know about Neville Longbottom.
13. -Chuck Norris' boggart is Neville Longbottom.
14. -Neville's patronus is Neville, because nothing else is badass enough to represent him.
15. -Neville Longbottom is the reason that the Cauldron is Leaky.
16. -If someone replaced the Mirror of Erised with a picture of Neville Longbottom, no one would notice.
17. -Neville made Chuck Norris out of Mrs. Norris’ rib.
18. -Cho Chang wasn't crying because she missed Cedric. She was crying because she was with Harry, and not Neville.
19. -They said Dumbledore was the only man Voldemort was afraid of. They lied.
20. -They were going to release a Neville Longbottom edition of Clue but the answer always turned out to be "Neville Longbottom, in the courtyard with a sword."
21. -Neville Longbottom created the Department of Mysteries when he got bored with making every damn discovery.
22. -Neville Longbottom cut off the Hog's Head. He was just practicing for Nagini.

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Yup, wasted another day on Google. But then again, plenty more Neville Longbottom jokes for you to enjoy!

*Facts About Neville*

1. Chuck Norris' boggart is Neville Longbottom. --Me
2. * Neville urinates Felix Felicis. --Demetriuous Lymon
3. * If Grindewald and Voldemort were to get in a fight, Neville would win. --Celia Quillian
4. * Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Neville Longbottom bites the heads off of Hippogriffs. --Andrea Spraycar
5. * Neville is one-eigth centaur. This has nothing to do with bloodline; he once ate an entire centaur. --Jamez McShane
6. * Neville Longbottom sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled bad-ass wizarding ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Neville Expelliarmus'd the devil's ass and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play Exploding Snap every second Wednesday of the month. --Callie Lawrence
7. * The Sorting Hat is no longer used at Hogwarts; students are sorted based on how long it takes them to cry in the presence of Neville Longbottom. --Brittany Niccum
8. * When Harry and Ginny's children were conceived, Ginny was thinking of Neville. So was Harry. --Peter Chainey
9. * Voldemort didn't light the Sorting Hat on fire; the Sorting Hat combusted because it touched Neville Longbottom. --Me
10. * Neville Longbottom turned me full on gay. --Anthony Rachal
11. * Nicolas Flamel created the philosopher's stone. Neville Longbottom created Nicolas Flamel. --Kayleigh Bosnick
12. * Neville uses Nagini's blood as soy sauce. --Matt Jacobson
13. * If you spell "Neville Longbottom" in Scrabble, it's an automatic win. --Kimberly Marie Golden * Harry's chest tatoo isn't a Hungarian Horntail, it's a portrait of Neville. --Matthew McLaughlin
14. * Bellatrix never actually tortured Neville's parents. She just threatened to kill their son and they laughed themselves into insanity. --Nathan Corliss
15. * Even though it was difficult getting four dragons for the Triwizard Tournament, the officials decided it was safer than the original plan of using Neville. --Nathan Corliss
16. * Neville Longbottom is the reason that the Cauldron is Leaky. --Nathan Corliss
17. * Muggles don't know about Lord Voldemort, but they do know about Neville Longbottom. --Nathan Corliss
18. * In kindergarten, Neville killed a Death Eater for Show and Tell. --Mike Case
19. * If Neville had a myspace, he'd have more friends than Tom. --Heidi Moore
20. * Originally, there was a spell called "Neville Longbottom" but when cast in a duel, both wizards would explode leaving nothing more than a smear of blood and a fraction of wand. They quickly changed this spell to the much weaker "Avada Kedavra." --Rebecca Krznarich
21. * Neville Longbottom doesn't bow to hippogriffs. Hippogriffs bow to Neville Longbottom. --Carrie Wittmer
22. * If you're looking for Neville on the Marauder's map, he's labeled "BAMF." --Ben Mapa
23. * Thestrals can only see Neville Longbottom if they've witnessed someone dying. --Fridolin Heer
24. * Neville became Head Boy AND Girl. No one dared comment. --Melissa E
25. * They said Dumbledore was the only man Voldemort was afraid of. They lied. --Michelle Varner
26. * They were going to release a Neville Longbottom edition of "Clue" but the answer always turned out to be "Neville Longbottom, in the courtyard with a sword."' --Kayla Yates
27. * Dumbledore seriously considered calling it The Order of Neville Longbottom before he settled on The Order of the Phoenix. --Carla Jimenez
28. * King Leonidas and the 300 were Neville Longbottom's bitches. --Ryan Figueroa
29. * Neville Longbottom is what's beyond the veil. --Suzi Ditman
30. * Neville's blood has thirteen uses. --Seth Just
31. * Even phoenix tears won't cure wounds inflicted by Neville Longbottom. --Erin Ouellette
32. * Neville needs a remembrall not because he has a poor memory, but merely because he accomplishes too much to remember. --Mandan Naderi
33. * Neville's patronus is Neville, because nothing else is badass enough to represent him. --Andy Weissler
34. * Merlin got an Order of Neville, Third Class. --Jamal Hill
35. * Neville Longbottom created the Department of Mysteries when he got bored with making every damn discovery. --Lance Sawyer
36. * Someone once asked Neville if there was alien life out in the universe. Neville replied, "There used to be." --Zack McAfee
37. * When Severus Snape looks into Neville Longbottom's mind, he only sees a sword coming at his neck. --Billy Garcia
38. * Neville Longbottom cut off the Hog's Head. He was just practicing for Nagini. --Chris Masterson
39. * Neville is listed in "Fantasic Beasts and Where to Find Them" with a Ministry of Magic Classification XXXXXX. This classification was created specifically for Neville. --Sharmin Abbasi
40. * God first created man. Thinking he could do better, God created women. Then God created Neville Longbottom. --Jeff Brunelle’s Beautiful Girlfriend
41. * Neville Longbottom taught the Veela how to dance. --Sarah Ferris
42. * When Neville Longbottom golfs, he uses a snake for the ball, and a sword for the club. --Chris French
43. * Hogwarts no longer teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts, they just hand out Neville Longbottom masks. --Kyle Boger
44. * Trevor the toad never really escapes. Neville Longbottom sends Trevor hunting for other students' pets. --Laura Maurice
45. * Before Neville punched it, it was known as Horizont Alley. --Alexander Nicholson
46. * Neville Longbottom sectumsempra'd his way out of his mother's womb. Ever since, muggles have called this operation a "C-section". --Blake Mundell
47. * Neville Longbottom wears a Lethifold as a cape. --Philip Brooks
48. * When Neville uses the knight bus, he calls himself Harry Potter to avoid all the attention. --Nora Stedman
49. * It was once suggested that "Diagon Alley" be changed to "Longbottom Alley." The idea was almost immediately cast aside, because nobody crosses Neville Longbottom and lives. --Chris Faria
50. * Most people can slam doors. Neville can slam Floo powder. --Katie Fontes
51. * Nevile's alphabet soup only ever contains four letters: B, A, M, and F --Nora Stedman
52. * There is no Night and Day. Only Neville saying "Lumos." --Victor Ryan
53. * Neville Longbottom is often transported to the Room of Requirement, because the Room Requires Neville. --Melissa O and her brother
54. * When Draco Malfoy found out he was worth a whole 12th of Neville Longbottom, he cried for joy. --Adam Dixon
55. * The wizard prison was originally named after Neville - it used to be Bad-Asskaban. --Cordi Morrison
56. * When Neville Apparates, he doesn't move -- the rest of the world shifts according to his design. The fact that this causes disasters like the Asian tsunami to occur is of little consequence to Neville. --Alexander Nicholson
57. * The sorcerer's stone can give people immortality. Neville can take it away. --Gavin Begg
58. * Polyjuice Potion is only rationed because Neville got sick of losing all his bodily hair. --Claire Stone
59. * Voldemort and the Death Eaters were actually created in the Room of Requirement. Neville walked passed it 3 times thinking he needed some opponents who were not laughably pathetic in comparison to him. Some things, not even magic can do. --Jason Taibi
60. * They thought of making a Neville puppet for Potter Puppet Pals...but nobody makes fun of Neville Longbottom and wakes up the following morning. --Mle Larkin
61. * Followers of Voldemort are known as "Death Eaters." Followers of Neville Longbottom are know as "Death Eater Eaters." --Jordan Smith
62. * "Voldemort killed yer parents, 'arry", said Hagrid. "And then 'e came upstairs for you. O'course, what 'e didn't know wuz that they wuz babysitting Neville at the time..." --Steve Cooper
63. * Bound by the full Body-Bind curse, surrounded by Dementors and giants with his wand snapped in half, Neville Longbottom laughed to himself and said "I have them right where I want them." --Michael Selleck
64. * Originally, Professor Dumbledore was going to have Neville Longbottom guard the Sorcerer's Stone. But he couldn't figure out how to defeat him to get it back, so he went with plan B. --Matt Allen
65. * Neville was standing on the Vatican balcony with the Pope and someone said “Who’s that up there with Neville?” --Shay Shay
66. * Not to be outdown, after Mrs. Weasley took out Bellatrix, Neville brought her back to life and killed her again. --Rachel Gilbert
67. * Professor Quirrel didn't have to fake his stammer in Neville's presence. --Chris Faria
68. * Neville Longbottom listens to Mandrake cries on his iPod for entertainment. --Simon Nicholson
69. * Voldemort's Boggart is Trevor. --Shafkat Hossain
70. * To access the Marauder's Map, and Neville has to say is "I'm Neville Longbottom...bitch..." --Giacomo Calabria
71. Chuck Noris is Neville Longbottom, pretending to be a muggle.
72. JKRowling was going to announce the location of the real Neville Longbottom, but the world wasn't ready for the death a famous wealthy author.
73. Neville Longbottom invented the hippogriff when an bald eagal and a horse ran into each other while trying to escape Neville Longbottom's stare.
74. Neville Longbottom taught mandrakes how to scream. He finds the sounds soothe him to sleep.
75. If the real Neville Longbottom was captured on film, your camera would take on a life of it's own, take a plane to sunny Florida and expose it's film if only die with it's last picture being of Neville Longbottom.
76. If Neville were good at potions, Snape would be out of the job forever, and Neville would be the first 11 year old professor.
77. Neville only PRETENDS to be less awesome than he really is, because if he didn't keep himself in check, Dumbledore Voldemort and Grindalwald would have to have a super-powered love child to be even remotely adaquete enough to stop shitting themselves until they had no inner-organs.
78. If JKRowling had published her original series, "Neville Longbottom" we would never know beauty and half-way decent sexual pleasure ever again, and the mass hysteria and suicide attempts once JKRowling died to never write another book would cause the mass extinction of our species, not to mention our solar system, because our world revolves around Neville Longbottom. We just don't know it.
79. Neville is single as far as we know, because if he wasn't, he'd become a male widow many many many times, and most of the wizarding world would be in Azkaban, because Neville is a most gracious Lord to give such a light punishment.
80. If Neville became a Dark Lord... I can't even imagine a word to discribe it.

More to follow...

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