Image by claireviolet82 via Flickr
And now these two FINALLY go head-to-head!!!
But who will win?
This week, we'll be comparing and talking about Harry Potter and who he is compared to Tyler Potter from "The Series That Made No Sense" (a Harry Potter satire).
Well, let's look at this from a scriptwriter's viewpoint:
Tyler: No, you're not! In fact, you're the WORST literary character in the history of literature!Harry: Well, you're no better, Tyler! In fact, your story is a cheap copy of mine!Tyler: Correction, Harry, my story makes fun of yours in the nicest of ways.Harry: Like HOW???Tyler: First off, you gave up being Harry Potter after that battle and stuff, meaning that God himself had to find somebody else to replace you. And who did He pick? Moi!! So there!!!Harry: Whatever. At least I didn't have any cruel foster people to deal with.Tyler: Hah! You lie again!! Your relatives abused you, did they not?Harry: Well...Tyler: And they treated me like dirt and yours were just nice to you because Dumbledore said so. So THERE!!!Harry: And what's the deal with that gnome guy you hang out with?Tyler: Who? Buckanuv? Yeah, he's a real friend, not like that poor Dobby guy who you mistreated. You never seem to have any real friends, just people who you let hang around you because you feel sorry for them. I win again!Harry: At least MY friends are loyal to me!!Tyler: Hah! You fail again, Harry! Marty and Coco are just ordinary people who just happened to become my friends and what about you? Ron and Hermione are unfit to be friends with anyone at all, not even with the likes of you!Harry: And what about this Hayley Snape fellow?Tyler: Hayley is also a true friend to me, meaning that I have won yet another battle!!Harry: Well, at least I got the girl of my dreams...Tyler: Oh yeah, Ginny! She's a freaking Mary-Sue!!! Nothing good ever comes from having a Mary-Sue-like character in your stories! Did you forget that she once tried to trap you in the Chamber of Secrets? And you lusted after her because she grew boobs!!Harry: Stop it! Stop insulting Ginny!!Tyler: And she was Ron's younger sister; that's why you went after her, isn't it? Didn't she want you because you're a hero and all that other crap?Harry: Please stop!!!Tyler: No! Here's what happened to the girl who stalked after me, who was NOT Marty or Hayley's younger sister, just a girl who stalked after me...Harry: Whatever happened to her?Tyler: She died.Harry: WHAT???Tyler: Plain and simple, Harry. She died. No chest monster, no Mary-Sue-ness. Nothing. Sadie is gone and you lose to me again!!!Harry: You gotta be kidding!!!Tyler: And in my third year, those Murteys get killed and I get to live with a gay uncle. And what happened to you and the Dursleys? You ran away from them (admirable) but yet, you HAD to go back to them in the end.Harry: But Sirius broke out of Azkaban and was on the run when that happened!Tyler: Hah! You lose again!!! Not to worry; I have more.Harry: Like what?Tyler: Well, in my fourth year, things are quite...normal. And what of you? You entered yourself into a tournament, which put you in mortal danger and you even killed off a classmate who was so much better than you. You fail again!!!Harry: But Cedric's death wasn't even my fault! It was all Wormtail's doing! Blame him!Tyler: Well, I would, but in that part of the story, Wormtail is actually dead before it all began. So there. EPIC FAIL!!!Harry: And as for the rest of the story?Tyler: Let's see: I find out that the Magician killed my parents and wanted to kill me for the reason of my every existence messed up the universe, and he was a disgruntled Harry Potter fan who eventually met his end in the last book.Harry: And what about everything else?Tyler: Yeah, I was just getting to that: we have students hooking up and stuff, Dumbledore's past comes to light and it's not good, I find out about what happened to my mother and try to find my missing grandfather, and basically, it's just a satirical rewrite of your story.Harry: So, what does this mean for me?Tyler: It means that my story rocks and yours suck! It means that Snape married your mother after all! It means that Lupin didn't marry some crazy-haired chick because he and Sirius were too busy dating!!! It means I'm so much better than you!Harry: But that's not fair!!!Tyler: Fair is fair, Harry. In fact, my story tries to correct the dumb mistakes that yours made! So in short, I win and you FAIL!!!
Well, let's just say that of all the spoofs that I could have written, this was the best I could have come up with yet. So much for canon, which we found out was more like "guidelines" than an actual story.
Next week, I'll be discussing Raven Knight from "The Piano's Painting".
